My favorite bit from a comedian about marriage is from Aziz Ansari and I know we aren’t supposed to bring him up anymore but it’s just hilarious. He says:
So if that doesn’t deter you from the whole thing, maybe these Tweets will. I’m not saying marriage is bad, it’s just a crazy thing in life that we go through. So whether you are married or not, you will have a good time reading these!
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 23, 2018
wife: What's wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a duck on it but they didn't give me any yellow crayons] Nothing
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 6, 2018
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
— brent (@murrman5) July 19, 2018
“Have you even showered today?” and other sexy things my wife says to me.
— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) July 21, 2018
If my husband asks me to stop at CVS for his medicine, I get to buy as much candy and makeup as I want. That rule was my idea.
— Stacey (@skittle624) July 22, 2018
If I became a ghost, I’d just be petty. Like throwing the bread at my husband’s head when he doesn’t close the bag and sprinkling his beard hair on his pillow when he leaves it all over the sink. And writing “Close the garage door” on the wall in blood.
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) July 9, 2018
"Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don't yell at her, she yells at us."
-my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) June 8, 2018
Marriage is worth it even just for the number of times I’ve been saved from leaving the house with my shirt on inside out.
— Patches (@Mostly_Cheese) July 15, 2018
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 10, 2018
My wife and I have started a game – guess the expiration year for things in the cupboard. Her first guess for the pizza sauce was 2010 – nailed it!
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 6, 2018
Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text "vacuum noises"?
Me: *dialtone noises*
— Adam (@Browtweaten) July 17, 2018
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 1, 2018
Me: Wow. I don't have anything to do today.
Wife: *materializes out of thin air* Actually…
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2018
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 14, 2018
All I’m saying is if we had a dungeon, my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 16, 2018
The worst thing about explaining to your wife why something she said doesn’t make sense is when you realize it does make sense.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 23, 2018
My wife and I bought the house I grew up in from my parents 5 years ago, and I’m still afraid to touch the thermostat.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 13, 2018
I accidentally dried my wife’s hang-dry-only shirt. So I quickly hung it up on the drying line and now we wait.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) July 15, 2018
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2018
The best part about being married to me has to be the part where I ask for your opinion and then do the exact opposite
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) July 4, 2018
My husband still has my last name as "Tinder" in his phone so don't tell me romance is dead.
— Savage🇺🇸 (@SavageAphrodite) July 15, 2018
Arm falls off
Wife: You don't drink enough water.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 8, 2018
Husband “What is the smell? What did you burn??”
Me “I just walked in why are you blaming me?!”
Husband “You’ve been home 5 minutes. I know what you’re capable of.”
Me “…I caught a tortilla on fire.”
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) June 28, 2018
My husband just brought me coffee in bed. Now I literally have ZERO reason to get up.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) June 28, 2018
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
— TheAlexNevil Can Be Heard On Tape 101 (@TheAlexNevil) July 16, 2018
It only took me 21 minutes of asking what was happening in this movie to realize my husband is asleep.
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 20, 2018